Attachment Parenting- A Slice of Life

How attachment parenting works for one family... from nighttime parenting rituals and the family bed to breastfeeding and babywearing.

Time for the night time ritual once again. Greg, my nearly 6 year old, is dragging his feet as usual, making toy pick up take as long as possible. He is never ready to easily let go of the day and go to bed because that means he'll be missing something fun. If I try and rush him, he'll say "Mom, let me do it on my own time. You're always in such a hurry." He reminds me that he is his own person and needs to do things in his own way. To adjust for the fact that I know he needs to go to bed on time or he'll be a royal grump, I've learned that instead of fighting him to do things quickly, I just need to start early enough to give him the time he needs. An important part of AP for me is to know your children well and to know how to accommodate for who they are. You cannot force your kids into the mold you came out of. That's not to say that I don't get frustrated from time to time at his snail's pace, but that's my problem, not his!

After his bath, its time for J-Js (our family word for pajamas) and story. I hand our baby, Peter, over to Steve for daddy time and Greg and I go up to his room. Greg started sleeping in his own bed at about 3 years old. The transition was a struggle because I don't think he was quite ready to do it. I was getting married in 6 months, though, and I didn't want the transition to coincide with me sleeping in a bed with Steve because I didn't want Greg to feel like he was being replaced. At first I would have to lie down with him until he was sound asleep, usually for about an hour. If I left before he was asleep, in no uncertain terms he would let me know that leaving was not acceptable! He would sleep in his own bed until about 1 or 2 am and then finish out the night in my bed. Eventually, after I lay down with him in his bed he would stay in his own bed at night. Gradually I could spend less and less time in his bed before I could slip out. Now I still lay down with him after story time for about 15 minutes. I don't mind it at all and it is some time we can spend alone together without the new baby that has invaded his life. We chat, say prayers and then snuggle together silently for a little while. I leave while he is still awake, but he is calm and at peace ready to drift off to sleep.

When I go downstairs Peter is starting to fuss, indicating he is ready for nah (nursing). After Steve has played with him in the bathtub, he will probably put on his nighttime diaper and his JJs and place him next to me in bed. As I'm lying down, Peter grunts and latches on to my nipple ferociously. He reminds me of a little zoo animal and I think he is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. We drift off to sleep together peacefully. He wakes up a few times during the night to nurse, but I barely notice. I somehow sense him stirring and semi-consciously I help him to latch on and drift off to sleep again. People I know will sometimes casually ask me if I'm getting any sleep. I always reply that I sleep very well. Usually an assumption will be made that he is now sleeping through the night at 3 months old. So, they usually follow up with the question "Oh, so he's sleeping through the night, now?". When I reply "no", they are often perplexed as to how I'm well rested, but he's not sleeping through the night. If I feel like explaining my uncommon method of parenting, I will. Or I might just leave them wondering.

My morning ritual usually consists of first going upstairs to check my email while I nurse Peter. I come downstairs and make Greg's breakfast. Then Greg and I will try and pick things up together to give the house some semblance of order. With me, its "out of site, out of mind". I don't like a lot of clutter, so I just try to put things away in a drawer, or a closet (the drawers and closets are very scary!) My favorite place lately to stash clutter out of site is Peter's "nursery", which Steve says is our great big walk-in closet. My experience is that the number one question for an expecting couple is "Do you have the nursery done yet?" In our society, preparing a nursery is such a rite of passage into parenthood. Usually I would just reply, "yes", because if I say, "No, Peter's room really doesn't matter to me", I may as well be saying, "No, Peter doesn't matter to me." I know I shouldn't care about what people think of me, but sometimes I do and I don't feel like sounding like a weirdo. Other times, I will go ahead and explain myself; usually out of the motivation that I want to let others know that sleeping with your baby is not "wrong" and is actually quite beneficial. Anyway, when I say "yes" that his nursery is ready, I'm not lying. It's equipped with everything he needs- a chest of drawers. We don't own a crib, his changing table is a towel on my bed, and a new baby doesn't need any toys!

Usually in the morning when Greg and I are doing chores or sitting on the living room floor playing a game, Peter spends some time in his baby swing. He loves his baby swing. He coos and giggles as he communicates his joy to us. Some have the mistaken notion that attachment parented babies are never put down. They imagine a baby in a sling 24/7. That is not the case. Peter is in his sling quite often but for me personally, too much sling time hurts my back. The sling is quite inconvenient when I'm doing dishes, too! The key to "in arms time" with a baby is to follow the baby's lead. Peter likes to be in his swing or down on the floor sometimes. Each baby is different. Greg hardly ever wanted to be put down when he was a baby, so I didn't put him down. The other modern baby device I use is a jogging stroller. I've tried running with the sling, but it just wasn't practical (anybody who has ever used a sling will definitely recognize that I'm joking!) Peter loves the movement of the ride and the sights and smells he experiences outdoors. "Out of arms" time is contrary to attachment parenting when it is forced on a baby through training or the baby shows obvious displeasure with not being in a parent's arms. All babies desire and require physical touch for their survival. Some babies want to spend all of their time close to their protector. Some babies enjoy a little more independent time than others but it is my belief that all babies, especially the youngest ones, still desire and need to spend most of their time in close physical proximity to their parents.

Greg always needs to get out and go, so most weekdays we go on a "field trip". This day's trip is to the drive through safari. I love these trips we take to the safari. The speed limit is only 7 mph, so I put Peter in his car seat up front and Greg gets to ride in between Peter and me. I love these times with my boys. We learn about animals and the environment. I marvel at Greg's inquisitiveness and his love of nature. Halfway through the safari we go for a hike on the trail around wolf canyon. We get to look a gray wolf in the eye and study the fossils embedded in the rocks. As we walk along, Peter is in his sling and Greg's hand is in mine. I am confident that our strong emotional and physical connection coupled with our learning journey together through their childhoods will give my boys the best possible foundation and launching pad into their adult and independent lives. I am also confident that these moments with my boys, as a mother are why I was put on this earth. If I can fulfill my responsibilities as a mother, I can leave a legacy of love, peace and joy for my children, my grandchildren and for the future generations I will never meet. Negative as well as positive cycles exist in families, so I must do my best within the limitations of my humanity to leave a positive and loving mark on my family.

We arrive home late. We have enough time for a family dinner together and then it is time for our nighttime ritual once again. As I myself get ready to drift off to sleep I think about my day and the blessings of each moment with my children. Not every day is as perfect as this one has been and we have our moments of genuine struggle, but I know I am doing the best I can as a mother. We as mothers should never have the goal of perfection as it is unattainable, but the goal of being the best we can be and living up to our own highest potential is within our grasp. Attachment parenting is certainly not perfect, but it allows me to be the best mother I can be and will hopefully enable my children to live up to their highest potential.

Update on Our Family: This article was written in 2003 when I had only 2 children. We have since added a third little one. Greg is now almost 9 and goes directly into his own bed at bedtime. Peter lays down with me and the baby to fall asleep and then my husband puts him in bed with his older brother where he stays until morning. Our youngest, who is now 7 months old, sleeps and nurses happily in our comfy king sized bed with his mommy and daddy until morning. Another AP practice, babywearing, is more important than ever with our larger family. I can snuggle Bobby close and still have hands free to keep up with two active older children. Many other things have changed but attachment parenting is still working beautifully for our family!