If she chose a great husband, she at least has some help with the day-to-day chores and activities of life, but a husband is not usually the greatest help with the mechanics of breastfeeding. He can encourage her and tell her she's doing a good job, but he probably is not exactly equipped to identify a latch problem or to give her suggestions on how to relieve engorgement. In most breastfeeding societies, after a woman has a baby, she finds herself surrounded with other women who have the expertise that experience has granted them. She has her mother, her sisters, her friends who teach her how to breastfeed, how to mother. They will also take care of her household and her so that she can focus on her baby, bonding and learning the art of mothering, an art which breastfeeding is an inextricable part. In this country and in many western societies women are isolated and left to fend for themselves.

Step two: more isolation. When mom is ready to go out, she will look around her and see other women with their babies. She will look around, but none will be nursing their children though many may be giving bottles. She wonders, where are all the nursing mothers? If she is at church on a Sunday morning, she will likely discover that the nursing mothers are huddled together in a specially designated cry room, equipped with comfy rocking chairs, visions of dancing ponies and soundproof walls. She learns that this is where you nurse your baby, safe from the lustful eyes of men who may want to sneak a look at your nipple during the sermon. The rest of the congregation is safe as well. Safe from the sounds of your happy, slurping, gulping, cooing babe and safe from the sight of a tiny portion of your flesh.

Step three: shame. A mother is at a beach on a beautiful sunny summer afternoon. Her older children are laughing and splashing in the waves. Her baby starts to gurgle and suck on his fists. He is hungry and ready to nurse so mom responds to her baby's need and brings her baby to her breast. He contentedly suckles while her daughters continues to enjoy the summer fun. As she nurses her body is filled with pleasant emotions thanks to the natural pleasure hormones that are released as she nurses. Then she is blindsided. A handsome young lifeguard comes up to her and addresses her, "Mam, we've had a couple of complaints, it seems that some people are uncomfortable with you nursing here on the beach. Perhaps you can move to the locker room where you would have more privacy." "Oh, alright", the young mother stammers as she hastily grabs her purse and beckons for her daughters to gather up their sand toys and come along to the locker room. The mother and her three children enter a changing room stall, pull the curtain and mom finishes nursing. She makes a mental note to bring a bottle of expressed milk with her next time they come to the beach. The young lifeguard returns to his post, happy that he could tactfully resolve the situation.

Step four: confirmation. A man and his family are invited to his boss's house for dinner. As they are greeted warmly at the door by his boss and her husband, they fawn over how cute and adorable little two month old Emily is. The boss's children come flying through the back door to enthusiastically greet their visitors. As the woman walks with her husband's boss, the boss asks if she is nursing. "Yes, I am", replies the mother. "Oh, isn't it wonderful? I nursed both of mine until I returned to work. I had to wean because I just didn't have the time or a place to pump. If you need to nurse while you are here, you can go in the den. There's a nice chair and some pillows in there and you'll have all of the privacy you need." "Thank you," the mother meekly replies, hoping her baby will sleep through dinner. During dessert, her baby wakes up hungry. The mother dutifully excuses herself to the den. The boss's young daughter asks, "Mommy, where is she going?" "Oh, she has to feed her baby, honey." "I'm going to feed my baby, mommy!" The young girl runs to her room and returns to the dining room with her doll and a bottle and lovingly places the bottle to her doll's plastic lips. "See, mommy, I'm feeding my baby!" "That's nice, dear." The nursing mother sits alone in the den while everyone finishes the scrumptious peach cobbler.

Step five: certified member of the Secret Society of Breastfeeding Mothers. Breastfeeding is becoming more acceptable in this country in certain circles, as evidenced by the growing number of breastfeeding mothers. The practice comes with a certain etiquette and decorum. The mother learns the decorum by observing the behavior of mothers around her. Most women will follow suit, not because they are dim wits, but because in a culture we generally tend to go with the flow. Many women will not even question society's proclamations of acceptable behavior. A woman learns the customs of the breastfeeding culture by observing and perhaps by experiencing a moment of rebuke when she breaks a rule. She understands and complies with the unwritten rules. She hangs her plaque on the wall, "Certified Member of the Secret Society of Breastfeeding Mothers".

All right, are you depressed yet? Let me start lightening up this little tale. What would an all-out, in the open, breast-fest look like? Would all hell break loose if women were free to unabashedly feed their babies? Would our society start to loose its moral values? (I do so hope you detect the irony dripping from that question.) What would the effects of breastfeeding in the open be? Simple. Women would be more successful at breastfeeding, more confident in their abilities and more babies would be breastfed. Women would learn to breastfeed by seeing other mothers do it. They would see that the silly rules in the silly books are just plain silly. Women would see that babies don't all need to be nursed for 10 minutes on each side, every three hours. They would see that demand-fed babies are not manipulative, but cooperative with the natural responsive mechanisms of their mothers' bodies. They would see that some babies nurse for 45 minutes. They would see that some babies nurse for 5 minutes. They would see that some babies cluster feed in the evenings. They would see that sometimes babies only take one side at a time. They would see that it doesn't really matter which side you start on. They would see how a baby cues his hunger and how his mother anticipates his needs. They would see that you can hold a nursing baby in your left arm and use your right arm for something else. They would see that a baby can actually grow into childhood without ever knowing what a plastic bottle or artificial nipple is (much to the dismay of Gerber). They would see that breastfeeding isn't something difficult and extraordinary, but that it is just part of day-to-day life. They would see something special in the ordinary, something special the books can't explain. They would see the special bond between a nursing mother and baby in the midst of the humdrum of ordinary daily life. They would witness the intangible relationship that can't be communicated on the pages of breastfeeding how-to manuals that focus on engorgement, mechanical breastpumps and every imaginable nipple problem known to womankind.

Do women really want to break out of this Secret Society? Well, tally one vote in the affirmative from me. Tally one vote in the affirmative from the lady I met at a festival in Iowa last summer, too… I was nursing my 4 month old baby in his sling while listening to live Jazz music and watching my 6 year old run around and play. A lady struck up a conversation with me by asking if I was nursing my baby. She ended up spilling her lactation history to me, explaining how long she nursed her baby for and how much flak she got from her family for doing so. I also got to hear about her various and assorted nipple difficulties she had to overcome in establishing breastfeeding. At this point you may be thinking, "whoa, talk about a little too much information." The thing is, this woman seemed like she never really had anybody close to her to talk about these things with. She saw me unembarrassed, nursing my child. She saw me as a safe person to talk to, to compare notes with. I'm I was glad I was there. And I hope she knows how awesome it was that she overcame the breastfeeding un-friendly society around her. Many women don't overcome the obstacles. Some women may overcome obstacles, but don't enjoy breastfeeding because of all the negativity and perceived rules and drudgery of the task. I believe that in a more open breastfeeding society, more women would nurse their babies and more women would enjoy doing it. Perhaps even the very institution of motherhood would gain more respect as the uniqueness of the relationship between mother and child is seen in full view.