Attachment Parenting... Too "Child Centered?" ?

“Attachment parenting is too child centered! You’ll spoil the child. He’ll become selfish and feel like he is the center of the universe!” I’ve heard this criticism of attachment parenting more than once, stated in slightly different ways, but nonetheless a variation on the same theme. I think that sentiment stems either from a misunderstanding of attachment parenting or from a desire to have a convenient “parent centered” way of family life. Another stumbling block to understanding is the notion that in a family you have to pit the parents’ needs against the needs of the children. You have to either be “child centered” or “parent centered”. Attachment parenting represents a third way, being “family centered”. Needs are analyzed in terms of what’s best for fostering love and respect within the family as a whole, not by pitting the needs of individual members against each other.

First we have to understand attachment parenting. Attachment parenting is not a new way of parenting.

Attachment parenting is a new term, coined by the fabulous Dr. Sears, for an old concept. But attachment parenting “techniques” such as breastfeeding, co-sleeping and babywearing are pretty natural behaviors that you’ll observe in many of today’s societies and in the anthropological record. Breastfeeding was shockingly common before the advent of artificial baby milk. Cosleeping was also pretty common before humankind reached the unprecedented level of affluence we experience in modern times. Before humans lived in heated four bedroom homes, they lived in one or two rooms (or perhaps in caves!) with no heat. Think about that. Where did everyone sleep? How did they stay warm? I’m not using “the cavemen did it, why shouldn’t we?” line of argument to support attachment parenting nor am I indicting modernity, I am simply highlighting the fact that attachment parenting is not some new-fangled way of parenting invented by free love hippies.

You’ll see some pretty extreme examples in the parent-centered camp, where parents and children are pitted against each other as adversaries, as trainer and animal, such as the methods advocated by Gary Ezzo/Babywise and the Pearls/To Train Up a Child. You’ll also find reasonable individuals, such as John Rosemond, who have some valuable views on childrearing but misunderstand and misrepresent attachment parenting as being child-centered, and therefore child-spoiling. Perhaps a more descriptive term for this line of thinking would be parent-dominated. In a parent-centered structure, the parents lay down the law and the structure for the family and force the child, through punishment (some refer to it as training), to conform to the order established by the parents. One of the selling points for parent-dominated methods is that orderly and obedient children make parenting easier. The child (or baby) is rigorously scheduled and kept at a physical and emotional distance. An example of emotional distance would be an admonition to mothers (in the Ezzo program) to not allow the cries of their baby to deter sleep training. There is an emphasis on control and order and on teaching the child about authority. Outward obedience is the mark of a properly trained child.

I’m not going to lie. There are extremes among attachment parenting aficionados as well. Perhaps it is in these extremes that attachment parenting has developed, in some minds, a reputation of child spoiling. (By the way, spoiling, is that like meat going bad?) I remember reading one mother’s description of her implementation of attachment parenting and responding to the needs of her toddler. It involved driving back and forth from their driveway to grandma’s house because the toddler kept crying to go back to grandma’s every time they pulled into their own driveway. That was not responding to the needs of the toddler. The true need was probably that the toddler was tired and needed to go to bed! The other thing I’ve seen happen among those who don’t truly understand attachment parenting is that they become permissive parents. A parent is to provide loving guidance and boundaries for their children. Abdicating that responsibility is most certainly indulgent and will probably result in children who have no self-control and no regard for others.

With attachment parenting, individual needs are respected and the parents work to meet and integrate those needs together in such a way that the family maintains a balance and a spirit of love and trust. Respecting individual needs requires understanding needs. As such, attachment parenting parents may work a little harder from time to time at solving problems that may come up with children. There is some investigation and analysis required to understand underlying issues that are motivating outward behaviors. An attachment parenting parent’s goal is not to control outward behaviors, but to foster inward values.

Fostering inward values begins in infancy. This is the time where the need, in a word, is trust (not training!) Attachment parenting parents honor the infant’s need for physical and emotional connection by breastfeeding, carrying the baby close to the body during the day and responding to the infant’s need for connection throughout the night. Attachment parenting parents don’t punch out on the time clock when the sun goes down. Nighttime parenting during fussy times such as teething or growth spurts may cause some sleeplessness for parents, but most breastfeeding mothers actually find they get more sleep and ensure a healthy milk supply by sleeping in the same bed or in very close proximity to their infants. Early sleep training may appear to be more convenient for parent centered families, but may lead to early weaning and is not always as effective as the trainers would have you believe! Some attachment parenting families will “wean” babies into their own beds during toddler hood and others will maintain a long tradition of the family bed.

The practice of babywearing is a beautiful example of the family centered nature of attachment parenting, where the needs of individuals are integrated into the whole of the family. Most babies like to be held a lot. It seems that some want to be held all day and will only sleep in the arms of their parents. Holding needs can be met by carrying the baby in a comfortable cloth carrier. With a comfortable carrier a parent can hold their baby and continue to go about daily activities such as cleaning, working on the computer or attending to older children. The baby is content to ride along and observe the activities of the family. The baby is not put off into a separate space such as a crib or a car seat carrier. The baby is welcomed into the activities of the family and the parent can continue to conduct day-to-day life. As the baby gets older and becomes mobile, he will spend less time in the carrier and more time exploring his world, alongside his family. But he trusts that mom or dad is always there when needed! Attachment parenting does not end after infancy but continues to positively mark the character of the family.

Discipline is another component of attachment parenting. It is on this subject, however, that you will probably find the most divergent opinions among attachment parenting practitioners. Beliefs will differ based largely on a family’s religious and worldviews. Some examples of representative opinions are the secular Taking Children Seriously, evangelical Christian Crystal Lutton , and the Catholic Gregory Popcak. Dr. Sears has both secular and Christian books available on discipline. There is agreement, however, that proper discipline is gentle and it never involves striking a child. Laying a foundation of physical and emotional connection will yield emotionally secure children and independent young adults. Children who are loved and emotionally secure do not generally exhibit out of control behavioral issues and consequently discipline is much easier. Children are attached to their parents, but the road travels in both directions. Parents are attached to their children and are able to easily and intuitively guide when necessary. Parents are not left scratching their heads, not knowing what is wrong with the child who seems like a stranger to them. This is not a promise, of course, for a trouble free childhood or teenage years because we all know that life will throw us curve balls from time to time!

The question of child centered versus parent centered is a false dichotomy in attachment parenting families. We all have a center, a faith or set of values that guide us as human beings. “Self” can indeed become the center for some human beings but by treating the individual child with respect and by honoring his legitimate needs, he can be free to grow in maturity and spirituality without being in a selfish survival mode, desperately trying to get his needs met. The family centered atmosphere in attachment parenting families provides security and meets the needs of children so they can grow up to be loving and respectful adults who will contribute to humanity and if blessed with their own families will pass down love and respect through the generations.